Oh, come in

It is an honor to have you. The contents for this blog are from my personal experiences. Sometimes I will write about being bipolar and sometimes I won't.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bipolar 1 most recent episode depressed

At the waiting room of my psych doc my mind was rushing with idiotic ideas that caused knots it my stomach.

1: smile, don't let the other waiting room patients know you are about to cry

2: the doc is going to increase the antipsychotic, try not to cry

3: This is a sign of failure, try not to cry

4: don't be mean to yourself, choke back tears

5: the lady next to me is thinking about how distraught I look, you don't know that

6: people I love secretly can't stand me. I can't stand me, try not to cry

(I get called into the office)

Dr: How have you been?

Me: I don't know because I have been so stuck in my head I can't reasonably understand how I really feel. I feel no one wants to love me, I feel afraid of living like this forever, I feel guilt, shame, and hungry.

Dr: That is not good In the Pink. How has your sleep and anxiety been?

Me: (sobbing) I just want to be okay to get out of the house. I am not cleaning at all, I am not showering, I am disgusted with me, I have been having panic attacks on a weekly basis, and I wish I could just sleep till this is over.

Okay, so you get the nature of my last months appointment. I am doing better now and the Abilify was increased from 5mg to 10 mg and it is helping. Also it is enhancing my hunger. I need to work on self control but also I need to see a cardiologist because I am very big and my legs get very weak when I walk as well as I get dizzy and faint in the shower.

My first post in months and all I can do is complain. Forgive me.....I have missed you all.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Shrink Assaulted: Reaction Is Surprising

I feel bad for the shrinks out there trying to help us, the mentally ill and unwell alike, get through this life in the most positive and productive way possible. Unfortunately for the shrink, the job is risky. This is a link to the accounts of an assaulted psych and the surprising result that followed. Please comment below if you think the shrink did the right thing.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Insomnia bender due to stress

I am running on fumes and my mind is slowly turning cloudy from lack of sleep. I have been conking out in 4 hour intervals and after 3 days of it .... I am dragging ass. I am so tired of having these issues to deal with. My mom thinks the lack of sleep is due to an up coming commission I have to paint a mural. It will be my first one to do professionally and I am scared about certain aspects. Well, not scared but anxious. Will this woman like me or will my crazy side come out and i need to take a klonopin. No one wants to be seen popping a pill in front of their employer because then they may ask you to explain. Well, it is what it is.

On the plus side. I am getting to go hog wild on buying painting supplies. So excited. I even bought a iPhone compatible projector on sale to help me sketch the image I drew. Life is going well but I am undergoing medication alterations. So that is tweaking my nerves too. I hope all is well with everyone. I can't wait to post some pics of the mural.

Monday, December 16, 2013

When did you start taking the Bipolar seriously?

How long after you being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BD) did it take for you to take your mental illness seriously? Because i don't believe it happens overnight. I know mine didn't...my taking it seriously.

I think as far back as 8 years old I can recall having insomnia and excessive energy. I recall staying up watching cars drive in our neighborhood. And at christmas time I would have hallucinations of Santa in our living room. I woke my brother up once to see Santa and he told me Santa wasn't real so I went back to bed and watched the old man until I fell asleep. I was about 8 years old.

Soon my behavior warranted my school to send me to counseling which I did but I did not take it seriously. I lied to the therapist about everything I could as a mental game of one upmanship.

At 13 I was put on sleeping/anxiety meds and by the time I was 18 I was diagnosed Bipolar. But I didn't take it seriously until I was maybe 23. Patrick (my man) made me want to get well. He made me believe I could be well.

What made you think you could be well? I am so curious as to how things developed for those out there suffering.

(Update: my meds have been keeping me regulated mentally and emotionally. Go meds!)

Monday, December 9, 2013

Someone Turn the Light On

Forgive me for being sparse with post lately but I have been .... well compounded with two depressions. One is my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) Depression while the other is me having really bad menstrual depressions. Plus i am Bipolar so it is just not fun to be in my mind right now.

I desperately need some advice. I would usually Google and read journals online myself but my energy is tapped.

See I saw my psych today and she increased my AP and suggested I get a Light Therapy Box for treatment of S.A.D.. There are two different types of lights as I understand and one is for people with skin problems while the other is used for what I need which is the winter time or seasonal depression. She said they range in price from $40-$400, come in different strengths of LUX? or LUV?, and different companies.

Does anyone out there in Blogger world have any experience with these SAD lamps or know someone who does? Does anyone know if insurance would cover it or is it tax deductible? I just have no clue.

Thank you ahead of time for commenting I really do appreciate any advice.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Part of me feels isolated and depressed

Something is not right with me today. I feel very sad and alone and as if no one cares or sees it. I don't care about what tomorrow is going to be like because today is a huge black cloud. But I am not selfish. I am not going to put my depression on those around me. I won't let it ruin my man's day but I am so hurt. I don't get why. I feel so hopeless and like hiding. I'll probably go to my parents tomorrow and just leave my phone on silent. This too shall pass....or whatever.

Monday, October 7, 2013

It was stupid to stop my mood stabilizer

A few months ago during summer I stopped taking my mood stabilizer because I thought it was harming my body. I was under the influence delusion thinking. It is something I struggle with a lot.

Well, as the USA government has began going insane I started to go insane. Watching C-SPAN 24-7, not sleeping, obsessing over the details, researching the stupidity of it all, and I even stopped taking care of myself to the point where my best friend had to confront me about it. I actually stopped taking care of myself months ago. I lost 17lbs in a month (I told my doctor I had lost the weight over the course of three months) which is a mixed blessing but it concerned my doctor to the point she wanted me back in a couple of weeks. I need to lose weight but I need to do it healthily. I think she knew I was fudging the truth about it.

Even my regular doctor asked me how my Bipolar illness was affecting me currently because my psychiatrist had contacted him and reported I was cycling. My regular doctor asked me to return in a month to do bloodwork and check my weight. I have very good doctors.

But since i have restarted my mood stabilizer I am coming slowly out of my mixed episode or whatever I have been enduring. I feel a bit sheepish about how obsessive I have been and how paranoid I got about the medicine. This is the nature of the bipolar beast in my life.

Do you guys ever get that way? I don't mean that you get sick of your medicine but rather you just get the feeling your body is toxic due to the medicine? I was starting to believe the delusions but at the time I just didn't realize they were delusions because I am very good at believing those things.

Oh and this is my newest painting. I found one similar online and attempted to duplicate it. It gave me a great sense of accomplishment to finish a painting finally.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I have issues, but not today

So I finally found some time yesterday to just do my thing with my man and then this morning he and I both woke up at like 4:30 am so we went for a drive and have just been lovey dovey all morning. We rarely get to do that since his work schedule is so chaotic right now. But it did my heart good. It did my soul good. Anyhow....happy Sunday to all.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Government Shutdown: What it means to me as a citizen

The government of the USA has a Congress that consist of 1 The House of Representatives (The House) and 2 The Senate. The house and senate are both filled with Republicans and Democrats but Dem. are in control of the Senate and Republicans control The House. The small group of Ultra right wing(tea party radicals) Republicans are influencing the Republican House want to get rid of Obamacare or ACA. To do this the House has at the last minute decided to reject increasing the federal deficit if Obamacare is not delayed a year. The Senate has to okay this vote by the radical Republican controlled House and the Senate is killing and saying NO to changes. They have had enough time to work things out. So the Changes are then repasses the very thing the SENATE just killed. I is a game of ping pong (Stop Obamacare or we wont raise the debt ceiling) but since the USA government is refusing to work with each other the Federal government has Shut Down. That means the employees of many federal operated branches will be made to take off work. 800,000 federal employees were not allowed to go to work without pay. Zoos are closed, the FoodDrugAdministration is closed, The people who write the paychecks to our military are closed, NASA, and other very important things are closed. The people are very mad, but the new enrollment into Obamacare started today and so many inquiries have been made that the website crashed. lol The people want everyone to have healthcare. Obamacare may not be the best and may need to be changed later but no one knows for sure yet.


It will no longer have citizens that can't afford healthcare. But you will be fined if you do not get coverage but if you are poor we will give you a tax credit for the full amount you aid back but you have to prove your annual income first. I am happy to have obamacare. It has worked well for me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Yosemite National Park  http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/020/cache/yosemite-deep-valley_2013_600x450.jpg

Sunday, September 29, 2013

I feel like crap

I don't know ......I just feel like I suck and am feeling very insecure. I am feeling awkward socially at times and I feel attacked. I am not sure by whom. I am in a bad place tonight but I guess tomorrow will be better. Tired of the brave face....this is not a good feeling. I haven't said anything to anyone because this is all very related to me not having a clear idea of how to express myself. I feel like my expressions and feelings are junk and ......whatever I am signing off tonight.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Mental Illness in Plain View

“Mental illness pierces the veil,” she writes at the end of her book, “and those who suffer from it dwell with their fragility in plain view.”  Dr. Montross

RANT STARTS Being Mentally ill (I am Bipolar yay!) is a big fucking problem. We lose jobs due to missed days because of our chronic and lifelong conditions. It is hard for others to sympathize with us because there are no physical symptoms to prove "Hey I have voices in my head". People just have to take our word on it. And sometimes I feel like my word is worthless to those unafflicted. 

I honestly believe that some think we are weak and lazy and over/under weight due to choice. Well, you can all kiss my crazy ass! It is way more than that. Our medicines make us groggy, our moods make us unpredictable (oh does that sound like fun! Try going out on a family outing when your panic attack hits you because everyone is wearing a mask due to it being Halloween, and your 5 and 6 year old nieces see you have the panic attack. Such fun) So yes we stay in safe places and don't always enjoy being in a grocery store or at a concert. 

But there is hope....I have to believe that. 

Anybody relate to this rant of mine. I know you can so go ahead and get the frustration out. 

I won't judge no matter what your illness. 

I am calm now....RANT OVER NOW 

Of all the afflictions that fall upon us, few remain as misunderstood and stigmatized as those that affect the mind." Dr. Christine Montross

The problem is that the mentally ill already have to struggle everyday to try and act like we are not ill. We take our little pills, pay the good Doctors, try to keep our agitation to a minimum, and then we still have to do the every day things such as eat, sleep, bathe, answer a phone call, clean our living space, budget our money, and try to keep our relationships with family and friends in tact.  

All this can be overwhelming. I mean just picture yourself not answering your phone because you're at a loss for conversation. Oh that is typical....I know everyone gets that way sometimes but the mentally ill may not answer for a week. Then the electric gets cut off because you missed the disconnect warning call since you're not even listening to your voicemails....no electricity. That happens to everyone but not when they have the money to pay the bill in the account. It is not laziness holding us back. Oh we are very stimulated and stimulating people but even with meds we are not well. We manage better but wellness feels like it can never be obtained. Or maybe it is just me. I have been doing okay but lately I am very ....overwhelmed. Oy

I guess Overwhelm is the key word today

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

9-11-2001 and 11-09-2000

As the US remembers 9-11 I am emotionally charged. I am reminded of a very confused and desperate time for myself. Yes, I recall the day the twin towers fell and I did watch the news and feel the horror. But more so I felt utter despair. You see it was almost the one year anniversary of my father's untimely death then 9-11 happens and then I went nuts. I couldn't do my college classes anymore. I think anyone else would have done the same.

But now, 12 years later I am just coming out of that funk. I didn't realize it took that long to get over trauma. Though you never fully get over it. Today freaked me out so I had to recall what exact day my dad died. I went through the closets at 7am rummaging through bagged photo albums I never look at and found his funeral record. Whew....I feel better knowing the exact date.

I see my psychiatrist Monday....that is a good thing.

Monday, September 9, 2013

New Blogger Flash!!

I had a new follower so as I always do I click on their picture and try to figure out if they have a blog to. Usually the person does not or it is private but I was pleasantly surprised by Randomness at its Best. It is written by Live Laugh Love, a mother and wife, who suffers from Bipolar disorder and she is just now starting new medicine after going a while with no meds at all. But I was hoping all you lovely Bloggers out there would stop by her blog and give it a read and show some support.



And oh yea, My man and I went to Mumford and Sons in Guthrie. Well, we tried to go but when walking to get to the entry gate I had a panic attack. So, my guy got the car and we went to our hotel where I felt very defeated. There went $200. I HATE PANIC ATTACKS SOOOO F"ING MUCH. There were over 30,000 at the concert so yeah I freaked the hell out. Oh boy.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

My Issues with Diagnosis, Judgement, & Guns

I recently read another blog written by shrinks called Shrink Rap and it is very introspective and a must read for those dealing with mental illness and judgments from other (even loved ones)

Here is how I personally relate. (Please don't hate on my man because he means well)

BACKGROUND: Okay, I do not work anymore. I can work but I do get fatigued and mentally drained easily so when I get a job I have to have a flexible schedule and I honestly don't know if I could or can handle a full time position that provided me with benefits so instead I am receiving aid from the government. It doesn't feel very good but whatever; I need the assistance to be able to afford my appointments and medicines.

My Man: He wants me to get a job and I would LOVE to have a relaxed job at a library or doing something quiet and with books or book work but ..... I am scared and nervous to put myself out there again. It is as if I can work a year then I need to take off for 2 years to feel complete again. My man says I do not seem mentally ill to him BUT here is the rub, he owns a gun that is locked away in our home and he will not give me or tell me where the key is for it. Hmmm....does that sound right? He acknowledges in his subconscious that I am not always well but then when I am doing what it takes to make me feel better and stable he wants to rock that boat by asking me almost every other day if I want to get a job or he tells me how much better off we would be if I had a job. Financially we would be better but then it would wear me down. Hell even a library gig would give me paranoia I am sure.

He is part of the reason I am doing so well. He is a wonderfully loving and nurturing man and companion. But I do see a double standard he has about my mental illness. It is okay to test my mental and emotional capacity by getting a job but it is NOT okay for me to have access to a gun. Just in case the stress makes me want to hurt myself which is smart because I do have a suicidal and self harm history.

Thank you all for listening to me because I needed to get this off my chest.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Most recent episode of Bipolar: Depression

I had been depressed for months and as many of you know it is sometimes hard to know it until it is over. So how do I know I was depressed....well it is kinda sad but here goes.
I stopped taking showers regularly. It always felt good to get in the shower but I just couldn't get undressed.
I felt stuck, dull, and had to force a smile most of the time for about two months.
I stopped doing laundry and sweeping the floors and fixing meals
I was napping a lot
I felt unimportant in my own life (does that make sense?)
I couldn't feel joy or elation
I was always feeling a blank stare in my head

But now I am in a much better place. Whew! Oh and I saw my psychiatrist and I told her about my lack of doing things and how I am feeling better and that I would like to get back on ADHD medicine. She said okay and so for the past week I have been very productive.

And I am just curious...
Does anyone have to take ADHD meds and it makes them tired?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Aching Heart

Do you remember your closest childhood friend? Are you lucky enough to still be friends? I am fortunate enough to still be very close to my best friend of nearly 20 years. But my heart is aching right now because she is having health problems. I don't really want to talk about it but I just needed to write something about it.

What do you do when your best friend gets a neurological disease? I am just at a loss. I think I should make her dinner once this week or clean her kitchen and get some laundry going but I don't want to make her feel guilty. She is so precious to me. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

My Ink=My mortality

I read this interesting and short article on the secret meanings behind a few different types of tattoos.

Do you have a tattoo? If so what is it and why did you get it?

I have two tattoos. My first one is a small outline of a dove on the side of my back. My aunt had just died and it sent me into such a state of depression that I had to literally scar the pain onto my body (I used to be a cutter). After a few months my father passed away and that set off a bomb in my brain. I have written about their deaths in more depth in It Is To Hard.

After the sudden death of my dad I started cycling quickly through my bipolar disorder and grief. I decided to get another tattoo in black, white, and grey on my upper back between the shoulders of an female angel with the same haircut as me and her wings spread open a little. My step-dad didn't speak to me for a week when he found out. Oh joy.

But as I read the previous article I could relate to the meaning behind a black and white tattoo. It does represent my lost loved ones but also because I put myself into the angel I sort of marked my own mortality. So Yes, i have two tattoos and yes they both hold great meaning to me. Would I get another.....probably, if the reason was powerful enough.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Crying and Driving

On our recent trip to Austin, TX my man and I had the opportunity to talk. I mean really talk. The radio was turned off and so I started my confession to him that I knew I have not been holding up my end the relationship. I do not keep a clean home and I do not put our needs above those of our family and friends. I cancel my plans at home constantly to aid my family or friends with their needs. If I don't I feel stressed....as if I am letting them down. But in all honesty I am letting myself down and my man down every time I neglect my duties at home. It was excusable for a while because my Bipolar symptoms were on the forefront but now that they have calmed down I am just in the habit of not doing my chores.

So now that we are back home I am making it a priority to attend to the house two hours every day until it is in order then it will just be upkeep with dusting, laundry, and dishes....oh and the floors and dogs. I have a full time job at home and it is time I started earning the home I live in.

But this revelation came about while we were driving and talking which brought me to tears because I felt so bad for putting everything else above my, Patrick's, and the home's needs. I am sure many of you can relate to this and I would love to hear how you manage to keep your homes in order through the chaos of mental illness and the juggling of life!

Friday, June 28, 2013

I lost my father to mental illness way before he passed away

I am feeling reminiscent and introspective this evening. Recalling the days of my youth when I was made to visit my father in the summer and every other weekend sends my thoughts toward despair. He was at times a decent man but I can't remember him being that great of a father figure to me. Though he did love me...I know he did. But he was a sufferer of undiagnosed mental illness and an alcoholic. He was abusive so my mom divorced him but that didn't free me from his love. Yes, his love and my love for him was like a heavy weight that pulled my spirit down.

Every time I visited him it was as if there was a muted depression filling the house or trailer he occupied. I had few toys there and most of the clothes he kept for me were too small. He would often sleep all day drunk in a recliner leaving my brother to be my occasional sitter but mostly my tormentor. My brother would make fun of me and shun me from his play. I once made a paper doll to play with because I had no toys and my dear misguided brother ripped it to shreds and called me stupid. That memory still hurts for some reason. It was like a childhood rock bottom. Father passed out, brother being hateful, and no mommy to rescue me because it was my dad's weekend.

I spent my adolescence imagining what I would feel the day my dad passed away. It would give me cause to cry after school and at night. It gave me nightmares. It still haunts a small portion of my head but now it is the memory of seeing him on life support in the hospital when I was 18 and in my first semester of college. He died from alcoholism and it was a sudden unexpected death. His ventilator reeked of vomit and stomach acid and (this could be my imagination) alcohol.

I was relieved when he passed because I knew his suffering from depression and addiction was over. I also felt guilty for feeling that way.

Now I am almost 31 years old, 13 years after his death and I can still smell the ventilator and also see my paper doll torn to shreds at the hands of my brother.