Prayers Needed over Abuse

I am almost done with the application process to get my Rx coverage and aid back. Whew! But until then I did have to utilize buying my Abilify through a cheaper route than my normal pharmacy. My new script for 2 months should be here in a week and until then I have samples.

But this is not why prayers are needed....

A friend of mine has a very abusive relationship with her husband. The emotional and verbal abuse are the worst and he has physically harmed her in the past and he is probably mentally ill because it runs in his family and to make matters worse he owns firearms. Worst of all ....they have two kids under the age of 12 caught in the mix. SO .... you can see why I am worried.

But there is more...

My best bud lives near my abused friend and in fact knew her first. After a few times hanging out with her I realized this relationship was going to end up with someone hurt badly and in turn that will hurt the kids. So all three of us came to the conclusion that a change HAD to happen. She bravely left him and filed a protective contact order against him. He went nuts and filed a bogus protective order against her to prevent her from seeing their children. Unfortunately the first court date went in his favor because he already had an attorney (friend of the family) and she had nothing but her word. So she has a nasty fight ahead of her. Until then she is staying with my friend and with me while she saves money for her attorney she just hired two days ago. She has also applied for food stamps to help out with food cost since everything she makes at her job goes to getting her kids back.

But I also want to pray for him the abuser so he might see the light and put what is best for his kids above what is going on in his not so stable mind. I pray he stops abusing drugs, I pray he gets a grip on his life, I pray he becomes a better man and stops with his insane jealousy issues on his next relationship.

For her I pray that she gains back custody when God knows she is ready, I pray she flourishes in life as do her kids, I pray they find every bit of happiness that living a stable life can give you.

For her kids I pray they are able to bounce back from this divorce and in turn find peace in life, I pray they excel at school and have a strong inner spirit. I pray they never become abusers or victims of abuse. I pray they become happy.

Trying to keep it together....

Which is very hard to do when it is 3am, 28 Days Later is on, and sleep has been eluding me for over 2 days now. I have run out of all medications except Cymbalta and Clonazapam. I will call the Dr tomorrow to get more samples of my antipsychotic. On the plus side I have been able to see the beautiful night sky and that is a good thing. I will post more later just know that for now I am well but very apprehensive until I am able to afford my meds again.

Nagging at me will bring out my wrath

I am a hot mess in the housework department. My poor self must deal with that along with Patrick. But now I am making an earnest effort to keep the floors shinning and decluttered and when I ask for Patrick for help he grumbles, curses, and acts all uppety and shit. I started the cleaning process and asked him to sweep for me while I mopped after and by the great aLord above it was as if I had wanted him to fold complexe origami. He made me cry as he looked at me through blood shot hateful eyes. FUCK THAT!! I am beyond feeling disrespected. I do not want to do shit for him now. No meals, cleaning, laundry, or "how the fuck was your day?". After we cleaned he did not say thanks ..... instead he poined out spots I should redo. The Bitch in me is back. Be warned Patrick.

I can't think

My brain is not soaking up the new information that I have no prescription coverage and my antipsychotic will cost $370 per month!!! How in the hell is anyone supposed to afford that. I have 3 pills left then I am out. So I need to call my psychiatrist for a sample and then I need to call and set up for anything that can make my meds affordable.

I am not freaking out really but there is a sense of panic in me. In the back of my mind I fear being taken off Abilify, because it helps me so much.

my feelings are hurt

SO this could be a long story but I HATE long detail oriented stories.

A person who was a new friend to me just unfriended me on facebook because my best friend )who knew the friend much better and longer) wrote her an e mail saying she didn't want to hang with the person for various reasons. One being something I said to my best friend about the new friend. Confused  I am. Anyhow it is just another reason that I have so few friends. I have high walls and when I do start to let them down I am usually screwed over for it. It makes me think poorly of myself. Geesh I need a cigarette.

Simple Joy

I have a new puppy about 3 weeks ago and his name is Blue and we adopted him from a shelter. He has brought so much joy to me. I hadn't realized how much I have been craving some responsibility in my life. I want to nurture something and since it will be hard for me to conceive I went on a search for a dog. I was  looking through shelter websites for a young dog that would end up to be a big dog. No chiuaua  or toy breed. Nothing that will end up being under 50lbs. So I found "the dog" at an animal control website. There was also a baby pit bull pup that I adored but I am weary of owning the type for obvious reasons. They were ALL there for the same puppy I wanted. I felt my heart sink as the shelter worker said the puppy was already adopted by the truck parked next to me in the parking lot.

I felt tears welling in my heart and my stomach felt like rocks. Then my man pulled up in his car because he just got off work from nearby and drove to the shelter because he was worried it would be gone and I would just pick another dog just to have one. (I did entertain that thought about adopting the pit bull puppy)lol

With my man by my side I brought up the topic of the pit bull and ended up begging him to come in and see it with me.

He was small and bloated in the belly. I picked him up and he was so cuddly. He didn't bark or jump all over us. He just went up to us and sat at out feet......

SO here we are about 3 weeks later and he has perked up and slimmed down. The vet told us he had worms so we took care of all that with medicine.

Here is Blue the pit bull mix now

And Blue 2 weeks ago

I wont leave you all

I know I am slack with posting these days but it doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. Every small accomplishment I make reminds me that I am right now a whole person. Living life with my man and my dog, family, friends, and this monkey on my back called bipolar disorder. Life is good. :-)

I am in such a good place that my man and I are having a ball. On a whim I suggested we go to The Bass Pro Shop (we have never been) because Patrick wants to start fly fishing. Oh what a wonderful past time to have....I mean, have you ever seen a fly fisherman hanging out in an ugly location? But anyhow, here was a small miracle.

Are you ready....

We went to a new store, a HUGE store, and stayed for over an hour. I talked to new people, watched strangers pass by, and I hadn't taken anxiety medicine AND no panic ever set in. Therapy and medicine help but also I am just in a good place. Okay so medicine plays a huge part in this. My mood stabilizer and anti psychotics along with an anti depressant are something I can't live without. And you know what? I am at peace with that... for the moment.

Refilled to late....delusions are here

I went on a 8 day trip to Austin TX recently and while there I ran out of my antipsychotic Abilify. It has now been 5 nights and 6 days without it but the pharmacy just messaged me that my script was ready. But Since I have been off of it I have felt a shroud lifting. But as it lifts it takes parts of my logic with it. For example, pull a metaphorical band aid made of Abilify off your hairy arm. When the sticky part is yanked off there are arm hairs stuck to it which to me are pieces of logic. Making sense?

Example....Last night at house I kept talking to Patrick because I thought he was in the home when My logical side recalled him leaving for work. So I looked through the house and was stupefied to realize he was not there. When he got home this morning...12 hours later, I felt as though only a couple of hours had passed and it was still night time. I told him I wanted to go out to dinner and he looked at me with concern. I said again that I was hungry and he said we could go get breakfast because it was 7am not pm. I had to go outside and see the location of the sun rising before I felt on cue with the right time.

Then I laid down with my man and he kissed me on the forehead and told me to take a nap since I didn't sleep the night before. Before sleep set in I kept hearing my name so I finally asked Patrick to stop messing with me. He was not at ease with this at all. So I got out of bed and Patrick asked what I thought I was doing. I said I was going to eat something to which he responded" what mealtime" was it. I laughed and said lunch (crossing my fingers I was right) which i was.

I know I need to pick up the medicine and swallow a pill but I feel delirious. I am light headed, confused, tired, and fairly unsure if I really need Abilify or if my body became addicted to it?

My senses are clearing

I had been going through an agitated and aggressive mania. What ever happened to the euphoria? Actually as I look over my last few months I think this mania has been building. It started out with the fluttering heart then moved into lack of sleep followed by my mean streak. When I am in my full manic state I become very impulsive and intolerant. I turn to anger and am easily ticked off. I am mad at so many things that it feels debilitating. I spit hate into my actions and am difficult to hold a normal passive conversation with me.

Now I am coming down and hoping I don't go to far down. Just keeping up with my meds.

so tired

Gone so long

It feels like I have been sleeping for the past 2 weeks. I have gone to friends places, hung with family, and ran errands but all the while I was taking 2 naps a day. My body must have really needed to catch up. Now I am waking up at three am again .... hooray :(

But I have missed reading and commenting on others' blogs. So I will get on that. Hope all are well!

So what are we to do?

Let me get my thoughts straight.....see I have many conservative republican friends and I am VERY opposite. You are criticized for being on welfare but also criticized when you have an abortion because you recognize you can't handle the cost of raising a child. All the while the right wingers are fighting to keep their guns so they can kill the bastard children who break into their homes to support their addictions. Now mind you I am typically an optimist but WTF!!!!!

Does anyone else have strong feelings about this. I would love to hear from any angle.

I have no routine

My New Year's Goal is to form a routine for myself. Like, wake up, shower, start a load of laundry, and.....that's all I have so far. I need help!! I want to paint more, I want to lose more weight, I want to keep the home clean, I want to get pregnant, I want to be the best little artistic house mom in the world!!! Do you hear me....THE WORLD!!!

But these are things I am going to have to work hard at and I am somewhat laid back so I need help. Any suggestions out there from you beautiful people? Please :-)

So far today I have woken up, ate breakfast, and well.....watched TV.

I need to do a load of laundry, take all my morning meds, shower and shave, and ummm then I am done. Bahaahaa....this is going to take more than a day to figure out.

My first Meme

Today we ripped off a blogger named Sally Swift from the blogStories From A Life. She does not state where she found the meme. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft's thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player's posts. It's a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!  

Sunday Stealing: The Triple Threat Meme

Three names you go by, other than your given name:  George, Baby Girl, Atty

Three screen names you've had: never been in a movie...bahaahaa

Three things you like about yourself: My laugh, compassion, and education

Three things you don't like about yourself:My weight, addictions, and judgmental thoughts
 
Three parts of your heritage: German, Scottish, English
 
Three things you are wearing right now:  Nightgown, underwear, and deodorant

Three favorite bands/musical artists: The Doors, The Temper Trap, Bjork
 
Three favorite songs: Alarm Call, Lotus Flower, She's Lost Control
 
Three things you want in a relationship:Love, laughter, friendship
 
Three things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:  Tall, strong, broad chest

Three of your favorite hobbies:Painting, reading, knitting

Three things that scare you: Crowds, Anger, Instability

Three of your everyday essentials: Water, clothes, perfume

Three places you want to go on vacation: Florida Coast, Main, Spain
 
Three careers you have considered/are considering: .Oncologist, writer, painter
 
Three things you want to do before you die: Sell a painting, have a kid, loose weight

Three things you want to do really badly right now: Drink, sleep, see my man

Jim Morrison and Me

I am listening to The Doors right now and feel total and absolute relaxation....to the point typing doesn't even phase me. I used to think these times were magic for me. My fingertips flutter and caress the keys, my heart speeds up. Oh how I love you, soaring mind. I would wait an entire lifetime to feel this peace. there is energy behind it and a percussion of passionate things. I could make love, drink, be merry all night and never need a moment to stop for breath. I have penetrated a wave of fluid lovely mania.

Ho Ho (cough, sneeze, chills)

That is right ya'll I am sick for the Holidays this year. I missed yesterdays family get together and didn't have the energy to buy any groceries. All we have in our home is oatmeal, sausage, bacon, and meatballs. Umm yumy Not!  Doesn't matter because I am not hungry. I think my fever broke overnight but it is still early in the day to know if it is gone for good.

ANYHOW, enough complaining because it is CHRISTMAS!!!! I will go to my families today even if I just sit in a comatose state by the TV. I will eat cranberry sauce and turkey because they are two of my favorite things. I will have a good time!

No Gifts

This year Christmas is tight....budget wise. But fear not because I am not one to feel depressed because I am unable to give any gifts. Instead I feel blessed to have seen another Christmas with my family and I enjoy their love and company so much. All the bills got paid and one of our neighbors introduced himself yesterday.

I do wish everyone of my Blogging Buddies a Merry Christmas aka Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! I love you all.

So much to say, so stay a while with me

my fireplace

and 

Diego Rivera Picture

1: I have graduated for the moment from therapy. My psychologist and I figured that the majority of my social panic in stores relates to a long time ago when I was a young woman and I .....I was arrested in a Walmart for public intox. I won't go into the whole story but it is within the whole story that I found the core to much of my anxiety. There is a sense of empowerment now that I have a better understanding of things.

2: I just read something interesting about Mary Todd Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln's wife. She has been studied and written about and many doctors think she was Bipolar. After all she suffered from emotional instability, massive spending sprees, and awful depressions. She also was institutionalized by her son because she suffered from delusions, attempted suicide, and had paranoia. But with all that said she accomplished being a First Lady and married one of my most beloved presidents. Any thoughts? 

3:  The party at my home was small but wonderful. I only had a mini panic attack before everyone arrived. I have benefited tremendously from getting my home clean with the help of my man and my mom. Teamwork baby!

* Things are going so well right now but there is still an underlying panic in me because I am having to see appointed doctors from Social Security Benefits to re evaluate my case and to see if I am still able to receive assistance. Puts my stomach in knots to see doctors I didn't personally pick to see. Do you know what I mean?

Making Changes

It has come time for me to enable word verification on all comments because ignorant spammers keep posting their vomit on my blog. Ugh! I do not want to advertise where to buy shoes or other things via my blog. I do apologize for the inconvenience to all my blogging friends for the extra step you will have to take to comment.

On another note.....
  Since being diagnosed with PCOS and put on Metfomin 500mg 3x's/day I have lost over 12lbs in about a month without changing any of my eating habits. This has just made me so happy! I can't even remember the last time I was weighed without the numbers creeping up. What a blessing this is. Thank the Lord for good doctors.

Count Down to Party Time

So my party is in 6 days and I hoped that it would be about 9 people and it is ..... so far. I invited 16 people and now I am starting to fear I am going to have more like 14 people. Which is wonderful news, and I am so very happy. I even feel such a sense of love that people care enough to come to my home.

DO you feel a "but" coming on......if so then you are right

But I am feeling nervous because we are on a tight budget and I need to buy wine and snacks for less than $35. Geesh...don't you just love living on a budget. Plus, there's the issue of my anxiety but I will be surrounded by friends and loved ones....and my momma which is an added bonus. So the party is in 6 days and I have a supportive group coming and a handful of them struggle with mental illness so I am concerned about their comfort level too. I just want all my guest to feel at ease and have a good time.

Okay, all will be well. I am so excited!

Quitting cigarets

my new Blu e-ciggies with no tar

I decided to quit smoking cigarets after my man caught me with a pack and my nieces continuing to ask me to stop. Wish me luck! I am excited.