Oh, come in

It is an honor to have you. The contents for this blog are from my personal experiences. Sometimes I will write about being bipolar and sometimes I won't.


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

My Issues with Diagnosis, Judgement, & Guns

I recently read another blog written by shrinks called Shrink Rap and it is very introspective and a must read for those dealing with mental illness and judgments from other (even loved ones)

Here is how I personally relate. (Please don't hate on my man because he means well)

BACKGROUND: Okay, I do not work anymore. I can work but I do get fatigued and mentally drained easily so when I get a job I have to have a flexible schedule and I honestly don't know if I could or can handle a full time position that provided me with benefits so instead I am receiving aid from the government. It doesn't feel very good but whatever; I need the assistance to be able to afford my appointments and medicines.

My Man: He wants me to get a job and I would LOVE to have a relaxed job at a library or doing something quiet and with books or book work but ..... I am scared and nervous to put myself out there again. It is as if I can work a year then I need to take off for 2 years to feel complete again. My man says I do not seem mentally ill to him BUT here is the rub, he owns a gun that is locked away in our home and he will not give me or tell me where the key is for it. Hmmm....does that sound right? He acknowledges in his subconscious that I am not always well but then when I am doing what it takes to make me feel better and stable he wants to rock that boat by asking me almost every other day if I want to get a job or he tells me how much better off we would be if I had a job. Financially we would be better but then it would wear me down. Hell even a library gig would give me paranoia I am sure.

He is part of the reason I am doing so well. He is a wonderfully loving and nurturing man and companion. But I do see a double standard he has about my mental illness. It is okay to test my mental and emotional capacity by getting a job but it is NOT okay for me to have access to a gun. Just in case the stress makes me want to hurt myself which is smart because I do have a suicidal and self harm history.

Thank you all for listening to me because I needed to get this off my chest.

6 comments:

  1. We have really strict gun laws in Australia otherwise my bf would probably collect firearms. He loves all the gun tv shows. But he definitely would not approve of me owning one, probably because of the suicide risk. He's completely supportive, but yeah like your P my Neil sometimes suggests how much easier life would be if I worked even parttime. They really don't get it 100% but I'm happy he's healthy and strong. I understand Afton xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for commenting Lil...I was thinking of you the other day. I hope things are going good. Yeah, I don't want to own a gun myself. They give me the creeps...but then again they seem exciting. But not for me.

      Delete
  2. I guess I lucked out with my hubby in some ways. He don't understand a lot of things, but when it comes to me working or not working he is supportive. He likes having me home all the time, yes we struggle, and it would be much easier financially if I did work, but he knows I can't handle it, so he don't push it. As for the gun thing, we don't own any, so we don't have that issue as of yet. I think if we did though, my hubby would be more afraid of me killing someone else than anything, lol. I can understand why your BF keeps it locked up if you get the self harm moods still. He loves you and wants to keep you around, look at it that way. Much Love :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yea I GUESS it is sweet that he wants to keep me around (lol)! I think it frustrates me that he will acknowledge my illness on one front but not another. It is awesome that your man gets that about you. And I hope your venture into medication helps treat your symptoms. Thanks for commenting LLL!

      Delete
  3. Wow, Pink, i sooo understand this. The last time i tried to work was at MCD's, at the lunch rush at that. (NOT smart). The whole thing was a disaster, i was in tears about half the time, as my "Younger" managers and other coworkers were cruel "There's not enough fries up, too many fries up thery're getting cold, how long on the Nuggets"....well you get the idea, they had me doing the job of two people , i just couldn't hack it.

    Now i am in Utah, helping my mom and my "messed up" family is on the other side of the country "because someone has to work" (husband). Things are such a mess.

    i am soooo sorry for making this "all about me"....i won't even get in to the gun issue except to say, at home we have two hand guns and various rifles................thank you for letting me talk.......you are lovely!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude I could not handle all that distance between the two families....so sorry you are struggling so much right now. I truly do believe that things can't and won't always be so hard. It is kinda like the struggle of Sisyphus though you know. Life is. He keeps pushing the big rock up the huge hill only to have it fall back down when he reaches to top. Some see it as a sorrow and burden because they se him frowning while others say .... He doesn't have to be miserable he could be happy. IDK why I am saying this except that sometimes our burdens are blessings and what not.

      Delete

What is on your mind?