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It is an honor to have you. The contents for this blog are from my personal experiences. Sometimes I will write about being bipolar and sometimes I won't.


Monday, October 7, 2013

It was stupid to stop my mood stabilizer

A few months ago during summer I stopped taking my mood stabilizer because I thought it was harming my body. I was under the influence delusion thinking. It is something I struggle with a lot.

Well, as the USA government has began going insane I started to go insane. Watching C-SPAN 24-7, not sleeping, obsessing over the details, researching the stupidity of it all, and I even stopped taking care of myself to the point where my best friend had to confront me about it. I actually stopped taking care of myself months ago. I lost 17lbs in a month (I told my doctor I had lost the weight over the course of three months) which is a mixed blessing but it concerned my doctor to the point she wanted me back in a couple of weeks. I need to lose weight but I need to do it healthily. I think she knew I was fudging the truth about it.

Even my regular doctor asked me how my Bipolar illness was affecting me currently because my psychiatrist had contacted him and reported I was cycling. My regular doctor asked me to return in a month to do bloodwork and check my weight. I have very good doctors.

But since i have restarted my mood stabilizer I am coming slowly out of my mixed episode or whatever I have been enduring. I feel a bit sheepish about how obsessive I have been and how paranoid I got about the medicine. This is the nature of the bipolar beast in my life.

Do you guys ever get that way? I don't mean that you get sick of your medicine but rather you just get the feeling your body is toxic due to the medicine? I was starting to believe the delusions but at the time I just didn't realize they were delusions because I am very good at believing those things.

Oh and this is my newest painting. I found one similar online and attempted to duplicate it. It gave me a great sense of accomplishment to finish a painting finally.



10 comments:

  1. The painting is really beautiful! You did an amazing job!

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  2. All of the time.
    I was put on lithium last year and I was convinced that it was killing my kidneys. My antipsychotic was a mind controller...jay-sus I could go on.
    It's a terrible slop downwards. I don't know why this happens...perhaps it's because of not having the right dose?
    I have paranoid features and this is somewhat of an indication that my doses are not right.
    PS. Girl, you have serious talent.

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    1. Oh Kimberly you do know where I am coming from. I despise paranoia. It is debilitating and so personal it is just hard to find others who relate. I see my psych on Monday so I will talk to her then and thank you for your comment and kind words. I have been having so much fun painting.

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  3. Your painting is beautiful.
    There have definitely been times where I just knew the medication was torturous because of the side effects... but I knew it was helping me when I was at my worst. So it was a really rough time all around back then. I did eventually get to taper them and I no longer have many side effects to worry about, so long term, I think I can do it. I hope that soon you will be able to find something that works for you. I totally have been there with the paranoid and delusional thinking. I really struggled with that.

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    1. Thank you for sharing J because I need to remember that. I have just been cycling so fast lately I am getting exhausted. I am doing fine but I know if I stopped anything right now I would snowball. I am even back on my anxiety meds. I blame the seasonal changes

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  4. Hello Pink,

    i hope you are doing alright. i really miss you! i love your posts, you seem to understand "us" so much.

    Had quite a couple of weeks, including an unfourtunate encounter including drunkedness and a sharp object, time in the "Home for the Bewildered" and a horror filled week coming off etho and knolipin, but am sort of okay now!

    Love, love, love your painting!

    xoxo, tracy

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    1. Oh I am doing well.I am feeling very up and happy. Possibly just under a hypomania but I am staying the course with my meds and keeping my purchases to a minimum. Thank you thank you for appreciating my painting (i loved painting it)
      aaaaanndd.....Tracy, sweetness, please be kind to your body. Just know that you are enough, you do enough, and you know enough. I say that message to myself everyday and when I can't stand being in my skin it is harder to believe. It helps me shift focus if only for a few minutes.
      much love,
      In the Pink

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  5. Oh, the delusional thinking.....so been there...still there...it's awful, isn't it?

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    1. My delusions have passed ..... at least I believe they have. lol But they are awful. Especially when they are negatively focused.

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